| Tool concert... |
[31 Oct 2002|02:28am] |
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Schism ~Tool~ |
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It's been a long while since I wrote in here... just posted those quiz results... and now I just wanted to do some kind of update... eh.. talk about the Tool concert.
It ruled ass I suspected. Definitely my favorite Band.. by far... they are just so amazing. Very talented and creative musicians and artists... just the best.
Eh.. that's enough... I Love Tool.
And I Love Dana...
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| "knowing you makes me feel alive... knowing you kills me inside..." |
[17 Sep 2002|01:21am] |
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Heart Shaped Box ~Nirvana~ |
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Score... my week with Dana was great, for the most part anyway... it's so absolutely great to be able to sleep next to someone everynight... someone you care for, to feel their body next to yours... their body heat... yes very nice.
The whole experience was very good, learned a lot. I definitely think I could live with her, definitely... It was so great to sit there and plan out dinners for the week, or after work(or school) be able to go home and relax, sit, cuddle, watch a movie all with that special person. I'm sure most people take that luxery for grant it. Just a great experience. We even went out to eat at a nice place.. that was really kuhl.. I liked that a lot, would like to do it more often. We went to Harpoon Louie's good stuff. ^_^
Ah, stop thinking about it... done.
Still confused... don't know what to do... no idea what to do... it hurts... it feels good.... eck.
I really miss playing hockey, I have to see if I can get playing again somehow... wether it be deck or back on the Ice.. I need hockey. ^_^
Today I met someone about starting a pagan circle... sounds nice, there are 8 people envolved... so it seems that I may have found some promising local pagans to be able to share religion with. We'll see.
Eww... I'm so nasty.. it looks like I'm putting weight back on... I don't think I am as far as scale wise... but it sure looks like I am.. which is all that counts anyway... and then I'm breaking out really bad for some reason... eww... big time... and it is so nasty and unattractive, good gods... I'm fugly.
Ah, hot down here.. need to get that fan back down here soon. ... hmm.. hmm.. just waiting for Dana to call... I should be doing homework, but I will do that as soon as I am done here.
Screw it... too much to write... too much that I don't want to type... oh well... no one cares anyway.
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| If I screamed would anyone hear me? No it's silent... I'm not really screaming... good. |
[05 Sep 2002|01:26am] |
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Love is like Oxygen ~Sweet~ |
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Hmm... did Zepplin ever do "Paint it black" or was it really the stones... if it's the stones song my napster is all messed up.. oh well... ::sigh::
My hand hurts... =o( It's getting worse... it's starting to get the the point where I can barely move it.. ::sigh:: I can't but a hair thing on... when I go to use those fingers on my left hang to spring open the elastic my fingers just hurt to much... and I'm actually physically unable to open my hand like that... open the fingers with tension on them that is... better not have fractured anything... when I first hurt it... it didn't hurt one bit... even hours after it didn't hurt... but then quickly it started to swell and yes.. HURT! But.. in this case I think that physically pain actually may be welcomed... gets my mind off things.
Confused... definitely describes my state right now.. I just don't know anything.. and am afraid to believe things... and to do things... I'm afraid to take risks right now... I want to, but I can't... they come at too great a cost... ::sigh:: the negative is too much.. the positive is equally as great... but the no action at all... it a mean between the extremes... most likely best to stay there.. although it doesn't seem to be between extremes... rather slowly creeping toward the negative extreme... eck... not good rational thinking and typing going on here... better stop this thought pattern right now.
Just am so unsure of everything.. and doubtful... and well am losing hope... or seems to be more fitting fantasy... illusion... ahh!!! Hope... hmm...
Fuck... waiting.. waiting... maybe I can unblock myself tonight at some point... doesn't look likely at this point.. ::sigh::
Let's see.. other things...
Well my parents and family are going away for a week... an entire 7 days, I will have my house completely to myself... well not completely that is... Dana is coming over to live with me for a week!! I'm so excited... and at the same time scared... and worried... just very afraid... see how much "hope" I have left... see how much I can take.. see how much truth can be felt and handled... ::sigh:: Uncertainty... I really don't like being uncertain like this... =o( Just filled with much fear... don't know if I should... but most likely yes... =o( Eh... wtf do I know.. stop thinking!!
Done... well I picked my team for my fantasy hockey league... here is my team:
Forwards: Bill Guerin, Daniel Alfredson, Theo Fleury, Ron Francis, Radek Bonk, Mogilny
Defense: Brian Leetch, Jovanaski, Ozalinsh
Goalie: Patrick Lalime
Not a bad team if I say so myself... should be an interesting year this season in hockey...
Should I talk to her now... should I be there for her now... does she feel I am deserting her... and that he isn't, and is there... so then should I let her know that I'm not just letting her sit alone... eck... sure it doesn't care... sure she doesn't... either way it works out I suppose... for the best.. yeah... for who? Hmm... yes.
::sigh:: The mind is so amazing!! Omg it is... so powerful... phew... and it can really jump from thought pattern to thought pattern... so quickly. I think I should just stop now... bye
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| "when you find yourself HELPLESS lying in her arms... then you know you really Love a woman." |
[02 Sep 2002|08:47pm] |
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Phantom of the Opera Theme ~ Andrew Lloyd Webber~ |
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::sigh:: Well lately I've been hanging out with Dana all the time and it's been great... wonderful... even perfect at times... yet at some points... it's been difficult, confusing, and very hurtful... arg.. well if that's not balance I don't know what is!! ::sigh:: Un-welcomed balance I would say however...
However the whole situation in itself is balance... I hurt her so much.. and now I must hurt... I'm so weak at times though.. I'm sure she was hurt much more than me.. I am probably just being a bitch... but regardless it hurts... hurts very much...
Lately it's felt like we were a couple again... just the two of us... of course there was not much intimacy or signs of strong affection, but in a friend sense, it's been wonderful and fun.... and then today I get a call from Tina's cell, asking if Dana is with me and that they are looking for her, and she isn't answering her cell phone... that can only mean one thing... she is with him... giving her Love to him.. her affection to him... her emotions... her body... her well LOVE!! To him.... not me.... and I can only blame myself... I'm fucking helpless!! I can't do anything!! Except wait.. oh sure I can take a huge chance... but I only see me being hurt.... hurt much worse... killed quickly and painfully... rather than slowly and silently... ::sigh:: But with every risk like that there is also a great extreme of a positive outcome as well as that potential for a great hurt... or negativity... however it seems hopeless in this case... so I will not take that risk... besides that'd be selfish of me anyway.... I can't... screw it. Too much thinking... ahh! Ok.. moving on.... umm...
Magic! Yes... I got to play magic cards today with two of Mike's friends... they spanked me... I find that I need to get myself some more cards... more land cards for sure. However that was right before Tina called me... I tried to get my mind off it.... but all I could think of was here I am playing magic cards with two little kids (not that I don't enjoy that or anything) and Dana is off with that guy... hmm... well I'm not a loser... yyyyyyyyyyeah. Fuck..
Well John wrote me an e-mail today worried if I am just trying to tell him that I don't want to be friends anymore... which isn't the case at all... all I meant to do by writing what I did on Annie's journal was to stop any kind of name calling or just anything that I feel shouldn't be happening.. I don't know.. but who am I to say.. just my feelings.. never mean to insult anyone or make them so angry toward me... but nothing I can do about it really... I'm debating if I should go up to block buster and talk to John and just hang out up there for a little while, get my mind off Dana and get to talk to John about the whole situation with Annith.
I don't understand... many things... the way people feel.. seems to vary as much as there are people... people all seem to feel differently and express it even more differently.. it's weird. Ah, I don't know. How people can say one thing... then do certain other actions... I don't know... it's just weird... or maybe people(or person rather) are just thinking that they feel emotions that they don't really.. fool themselves into thinking that they feel that emotion because they want to... that would explain their actions... hmm... eck.. too much thinking.. talking to John on the phone so am going for now...
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| "bubbles, bubbles, everywhere... but not a drop of drink..." |
[20 Aug 2002|10:38pm] |
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Duel of the Fates (techno remix)~Star Wars Episode I~ |
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::sigh:: So much on my mind... nothing to type on this stupid machine...
Well I haven't really been doing anything lately... I've been sitting around thinking mostly... I wonder if all people torture themselves... or have a choice to think those thoughts that destroy their heart and soul... or not... Eck...
Well I've been playing FFX lately... it's a great game so far.. I'm glad I finally got to start it.... not to mention it's a release for me... gets my mind focused on something else besides my thoughts... for the most part anyway.
Fuck it.. I have nothing to say...
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| self-torture.... |
[14 Aug 2002|02:31pm] |
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Paper Doll ~Kittie~ |
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Why do we insist on torturing ourselves?? I'm sure everyone can relate... even when we know we don't want to know something because it will hurt us... why do we feel even more obligated to find out what that hurtful thing is?? Just an example.. but even when we know and recognize something that hurts and breaks us... tears us apart emotionally... yet we insist on thinking about it every second of every minute of everyday.. we have to think about it.. we have to be hurting... why do humans do that?? ::sigh:: I am finding out everyday more and more about human personality that fucking sucks. Just HAVE to think about it.. it's even worse when there is nothing positive to come out of it in the end.. no matter what... the feeling of being doomed to feel this way with no release or resolve... nothing you can do other than hope one day you will just forget it... arg.. no forgetting it.. it's the pain we need to keep sane... or to drive us insane... the insanity that we need... need to thrive and be what we are.. ::sigh:: Torture, fsldfjo;gfjo;vnfdl;jnfuck...
And to top everything off... the swelling on my hand is beginning to spread over my entire hand... it's almost down to my wrist now... it seems to be much more itchy also... sucks... could be from anything.. some kind of poison.. wether plant or animal.. it got me damn good.
Arg.. think I'm going to just tear my heart some more... maybe playing music will help... or release.. we'll see... probably just get frustrated with how much I suck ass... fuck it...
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| ::sigh:: Clinical Depression... arg... |
[11 Aug 2002|02:55am] |
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The sound of the fan blowing... |
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Well nothing really to add to this thing... but I thought I'd try to keep with it... soo... today I went to my Aunt's house and me and my brother stained the new wooden steps out front of their house. (the ones I help build with my Uncle Steve). It took me and my brother about 4 and a half hours to complete it... not too shabby I suppose.
I also went to the plaza later in the day and I wanted to go to the comic book store in there, to see if they had magic cards.. which they did. At the Lughnassadh festival I went to two of the guys were talking about Magic cards... so I figured I'd see what exactly they were about and I wound up just getting a beginner set.. and I Love it. ^_^ It's a fun game to play and it's equally interesting... so I think I will try and get a little more into it... we'll see.
Well tomorrow I have to work from 9-4... so I have to get up early... so... I will go...
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[06 Aug 2002|03:56pm] |
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Magmell-The Pleasant Plain ~ Celtic Seasons of Enchantment |
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...
...
Phew... it's weird how mental things can effect your physical body.
Ok... well let me see if I can start with this journal again.. most likely won't stick to it.. but oh well.
I recently went to Vermont it was so great! It was beautiful there... so beautiful. I never thought I'd see something so naturally beautiful in the US, I was surprised... just shows how some parts of this country were preserved... and how the rest of it should have been left the way it was. While I was there me and my dad (it was only the two of us there) played minature golf and I beat him 2 out of 3 times. We went the same course all of those times.. it was great.. it was more like a pro-mini golf course.. more hills and stones, rather than clowns openning thier mouths... or hitting it through the dinosaurs legs... nice to see a course like that... anyway I got 1 under two times and 3 under one time! I rule.
Three days ago I finally was able to attend my first ADF gathering. I took Dana down with me, which I'm glad that see enjoyed it.. because I was afraid she wasn't.. but I'm glad she did. It was a celebration of the Celtic Fire Festival of Lughnasadh. It was Friday, Sat, and Sunday... however I could only attend the Sat, because of work. We left around 7:30 in the morning.. I was anxious to get down there to spend the whole day there... but we got lost... very much, and got there around 10:30.
When we first got there everyone was sitting around playing an ancient Celtic board game that I remember reading about in the Mabinogion. So we met everyone.. they introduced themselves and well it was really nice. Then we began to play the other games of the days which featured some Celtic games, Native American games, and just made up games.. all very fun, I had a good time competing.... even though I can't balance myself on a log for shit!!! ^_^
But around 6:00 we started the ritual. (which was two hours later than planned). This was my absolute first Pagan ritual at all... so definitely was my first Druid ritual.. and first ADF ritual. I LOVED it... that's all I am really going to say... it fullfilled me in ways that I never knew I could be.. it was wonderful! It lasted about 2 and a half hours... and I didn't mind for one second... I enjoyed it... now I know how true Christians must find the mass... it was just... oh so wonderful... and after ward everyone was so charged and energetic and Loving.. it was great!! ^_^ I was sad to have to leave.
All and all the whole experience made me fully realize that this is truly MY path... and worshipping these Gods and Deities is fullfilling to me... the people are wonderful, they surely know how to have a good time. I realize that my personality too fits in with the general Pagan mind-set a million times better than the Christian mind-set... uph.. was just and amazing experience, I wouldnt trade it for anything!!
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| And then there were none... |
[19 Jul 2002|02:05am] |
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None... just watching History channel in the back ground |
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::sigh:: Life truly does suck...
Ah... not like I have room to talk... or bitch about anything, I know I've been amazingly lucky in my life so far... eck... get off that train of thought.
Lately I've been depressed... it sucks. And most of the things that are depressing me I'm aware exactly what they are... however I definitely feel they shouldn't be depressing me.. but then again maybe these aren't the things depressing me... maybe they are just bothering me... yet they shouldn't... so I just have to take it silently... arg... I'm weird.. yes done.
Yesterday I was taking care of my uncle's tomato plants and he was out there watering and we started talking and he was talking about my grandpa... and it made me realize how much I numb myself.. and how much I block out feelings... and how easily I can "forget" things... this can be good and bad I suppose.
Some people are just so... guh... I will never understand certain people and why they act the way they do.. and say the things they do... to me it seems very stupid and I can't understand why they'd act like that. But I wonder what they think about what they do... thoughts are weird. Phew...
Well I am very interested in this documentary (on the migs and Sabre's) so I am going to go watch, bye...
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[16 Jul 2002|03:12am] |
Hm... are all online quiz thingys female driven??
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[16 Jul 2002|02:56am] |
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Hits from the Bong ~Cypress Hill~ |
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Congratulations, you are an Earth Faerie! This means you are friendly, creative, heroic and a friend of the environment. One of your greatest attributes is that you are so good willed and ready to save an animal or friend in need. You are a friend to Mother Nature as well as a ray of sunshine to all your friends and family.
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[16 Jul 2002|02:49am] |
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| ::sigh:: |
[19 Jun 2002|06:35am] |
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Wow..I didn't know LJ automatically edits out the curse words... bummer. Well that! ^_^ Probably won't see that.. but eh.
I am so F'n tired. I am falling asleep in my chem class... I am on the break right now. Arg.. I so don't want to go back. I really can't wait for the semester to end. But I only have two weeks left so I can stick it out.
I realized I get stressed out all to easily. It suck's ass. Why do people get so much enjoyment out of conflict? Why do people enjoy seeing the fights, seeing the gore in moives... and why do people have to start fights with each other over stupid ?? Why does this have to happen. Is this truly all that enjoyable??!? I don't understand, am I the only one who does not like fighting? I to argue with someone, yet I am finding that many people seem to like (thrive) on that conflict. I think it's all just stupid.. but of course no one can end the stupidity.. humans are truly the wisest most gifted animals on the earth... however we are also the most stupid, selfish, horrid creatures... all at the same time... weird species we are... very weird. Stupid...
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| Poopie-na-na |
[12 Jun 2002|06:36am] |
I'm at school.. I'm on break from Chem right now..arg. I'm falling asleep. I've been going to sleep at midnight everynight and that means those 3 hours I used to have when I stayed up all those other nights and that I had to do whatever I wanted with are now gone, I am still really ing tired when I wake up in the morning.And these computers are so ing slow!! Arg.. usually really fast.. poo.
Well I went to the plaza yesterday.. I think I may officially be a mallrat.. I'm at least there once a week, no plans to actually buy anything... sounds like I may fit the profile. Arg.. my tummy hurts.. I'm hungry.. damn school! I have guitar tonight, and really didn't practice at all this week, so it's going to suck.
I was talkiing to someone here that is taking a Comparitive religions class, it sounds very interesting. I think I may come back and take it after I'm all finished up here. That and a computer hardware course...and maybe even some art classes and a physics...big maybe on the physics though. ^_^
Annie's working at Blockbuster now and we stopped by there yesterday and Alvin the bassist from Stu's band works there, nice. If you work at Blockbuster to get to rent 5 free movies or every week!! Now that's ing sweet! Ok, I have to get back to class, damn it!
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| goose balls... fudge... |
[09 Jun 2002|10:50pm] |
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Phantom of the Opera Theme |
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Arg, I am so tired. I should be studying, which I am really... but I can't really concentrate on it.. guh. I have a test Tuesday.
I worked for a pretty damn long time on Saturday. I was working with a bunch of my family members working on my uncle's new pation that will be in the back of his house. Well we are extending the one that's been there really.. so much work.. phew.. I don't even want to get into it.. just put it this way.. 3 different people.. one day.. shouveling an estimated 20 tons of dirt.. no lie.. 20 tons!! Holy F'n shit. Phew... sucked. My hands hurt.. all blistered up... (not even close to those horrid ones my uncle Steve has though... eww)
Well later that Saturday night I went over to Dana's house. I was supposed to go over earlier in the day for Tina's Graduation party.. I wish I could have been there, but I was kinda stuck. But I finally did get over her house around 10ish I think it was.. little before that I think. We were there for a little while... within that time I got this wiked rug burn on my elbow it's all infected like now.. guh, damn it hurts too. But I won.. so it's ok. ^_^ Then I had to pick up my sister... then we finally got back to her house and everyone was asleep pretty much. Then we had some very good conversation... it was pretty great. Then afterwards.. post-conversation activities were very nice indeed! Mm... slurp. umm. yeah.^_^ However.. I got home about 4:30 in the morning so I was dead pretty tired at work, and dead by the end of the day.. THEN I had to go over to my uncle's and help some more.. then guess what!?!? Tomorrow I have to get up for school at 7 (after getting less than 4 hours of sleep last night) go to school from 8 till 2:10 (fucking kill me now) and then I get to come home and do all that manual labor again! I'm not built to go so much continous work like that. ^_^ My uncle Steve on the other hand is a fricken machine.. phew.. I found out he was taking off from work tomorrow.. I thought it was so he could rest a day before having to go to work and bust his ass for 12 hours... but I later found out he is taking off only so he can come over my uncle's and work some more on the patio! Holy S. I'm going to keel over tomorrow... ::sigh:: not to mention I have to stay up and study tonight.. but I really am exhausted.. ::sigh:: I worked 9 and a half hours and Frank's and had to work some more directly after that.. arg. KILL ME NOW!
Plus I have to stay up and study a whole shit load tomorrow for the test... I'm suck a complaining bitch.. but oh well.. what else is LJ for. Well I'm going to try and study now...
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| Ack-a-da-poo |
[06 Jun 2002|12:06am] |
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I Stand Alone(?) ~Godsmack~ |
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::sigh:: Well I don't really get to keep to this too much... but then again I never really have anything to tell about my life. Nothing really eventful happens. However last Wed me and Dana went to a club.. it was Gothic night.. pretty sweet. I've been thinking about it a lot for some reason... weird... kinda haunting... really weird. But it was kuhl. It was like typical as you would see in movies.. dark, strobe lights, flashing lights, loud music, a lot of people... pretty much fits the stereo-type of clubs. I liked it... although I'm sure if I wasn't a loser and more social and met people, and danced and did something besides stand and sit it would have been much more fun... but ah, I'm not really like that, so blah. But afterward we had much fun. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^!!! Well I did anyway...
=o)
Since then I've been really stressed though.. big time... that was my moment.. then with school and work I started to get all postal worker stressed. It sucks. I almost killed myself at work Sunday.. I was so irritable and I SOOOO... didn't want to be there, it was weird.. and it sucked so bad. I beat SH2! Sweet! I found there are 3 other endings to the one I seen though, depending on the actions you take during the game. Diesal.. arg.. plus I've been saying that word to describe everything that's pretty kuhl.. I'm a freak yes. I've been playing FFIX and MGS2 lately.. sweet. MGS2 is pretty sweet... although I think I like the first one better... just some of the storyline in MGS2 seems a little strange to me.. and some of the dialogue.. but I'm not done yet, so I can't really fully say. But I do like that game A LOT!
I want to start to get back on track with my ADF studies and my Dedicant Program. School holds me back a bit from that though... after doing my school work.. that doesn't really leave much time that I want to put toward more reading, or writing a report... hmm.. maybe it'd be best to wait till after schools over to try and put serious effort into it. I've improved much with meditation.. it's more natural too me now.. which is great. Today I was pretty upset... I think the Gods do not like me. It seems everyone in ADF is so close to the Gods, yet I feel so far from them... ::sigh:: And the worst part is I don't know how to get closer to them... or which Gods want to get close to me and which ones don't... ::sigh:: Sucks not knowing...
Maria came today asking my about Paganism because she is interested. I am always happy to see people interested in Paganism.. I Love the religious system, definitely. ^_^ I just wish I knew MUCH more about paganism, IE culture, and Druidry... ::sigh::very much so... but i can try to help others I guess...
Nice... Drowning Pools newer song is on 94.. I actually like this song a lot. Hmm... I had a chem test on Tuesday first of the semester (just started teh semester a week ago), and i got a high A hell yeah! Rock on me... ^_^ I'm very glad about that.. because it only gets much harder. We did a kuhl lab too. ^_^ And I get to sleep in tomorrow because my chem teacher has to go to a funeral.. so that rocks! And I'll actually be able to stay awake in my Safety and First aid class for a change... well I've said enough.. all updated... well yeah.
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xxwolvesdenxx's journal
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